Irritated.

I feel like shit.
I feel fat and lazy.
Because I missed a day of exercise.

I can't even get my own goddamn sister to hang out with me.
I haven't showered in forever.
I'm sore.
I'm greasy.
I'm tired.
I can't sleep.
I miss Connor, I miss my friends, I miss when I was happy.

I'm whining, and I don't give a flying fuck.

Without my Mom, my life doesn't make sense.

So we talked on the phone.
And got in a fight.
Then he apologized, and talked on the phone, then hung up, saying he'd call me back.

This happened three times.

Then he got his phone taken away.

I need him.
I need him so fucking badly, and that's the best I get.

I'm going insane.

I'm so tired of feeling awful.

And so lonely.

I'm so very

frustrated right now.

And I realize when dealing with something as enormous as death, frustration seems like a pretty pitiful emotion. But it's true. I am so ungodly frustrated.

I'm being punished for something I don't really understand. I'm not a petulant child or anything, I can accept punishment. I just honest to god don't understand what I did wrong. It was supposedly a "second time offense," but when I asked, Dad couldn't come up with a first time. His best option was "I shouldn't have to keep track." If I'm being punished Dad, you kind of do. I spent the night at Connor's house, which he said was fine, as long as I let people know. I let Julie know. I kept the car, and yes, that was a mistake, but there are two other cars at home, and Alison got to work fine.


But apparently that wasn't enough, and I'm out of a cell phone for two weeks.

Which is even more irritating, because Connor is leaving for Gulf Shores tomorrow morning. And I hate myself for becoming so reliant on him, but I didn't really have a choice. If I didn't lean on loved ones, I'd probably be a hell of a lot worse off right now. But anyway, this vacation is coming precisely when I need him the most, but of course it'd be way too selfish to stop him. So given that he's going, his regular good night phone calls just became a lot more important. For better or for worse, I need him. And because of this Dad shit, it's a hell of a lot harder to get a hold of me.

And I have a really hard time taking this from Dad. Because Mom would have never done that. She wasn't much a punisher, but she also treated us with respect. And it's hard after she basically raised me for seventeen years, having my Dad swoop in and suddenly tell me what I can and can't do.

And I'm so tired of not knowing what I'm allowed to do or say, and walking on eggshells.
It's just all so goddamn frustrating.

I have no

motivation.
feelings.
energy.
vigor.
power.
life.

I'm too exhausted to break down.
I'm too exhausted to be alive anymore.